Was mögen Physiker bei Fußballspielen am liebsten? - Die "Welle".

Ein Student entdeckt Einstein im Zug und fragt ihn: "Entschuldigen Sie, Herr Professor, hält New York an diesem Zug?"

French physicist Ampere (1775-1836) had two cats, one big and a one small, and he loved them very much. But when the door was closed cats couldn't enter or exit the room. So Ampere ordered two holes to be made in his door: one big for the big cat, and one small for the small cat.

Forscher in Alaska veröffentlichten vor Kurzem ihre Entdeckung eines Supraleiters bei Raumtemperatur.

Der Experimentalphysiker kommt aufgeregt in das Büro des Theoretikers und zeigt ihm einen Graphen mit seinen neuesten Messergebnissen. "Hmmm," sagt der Theoretiker, "das ist genau die Stelle, wo ein Peak zu erwarten war. Und hier ist die Erklärung. ..." (Eine lange logische Ausführung folgt.) Mittendrin unterbricht ihn der Experimentalphysiker: "Moment mal!" Er betrachtet den Plot einen Augenblick und sagt: "Ups, der steht kopfüber." Nach einer entsprechenden Korrektur setzt der Theoretiker neu an: "Hmmm, das ist genau die Stelle wo ein Dip zu erwarten war. Und hier ist die Erklärung. ..."

A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.

After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.

Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'

After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'

What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

• If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
• If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
• If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

A psychologist makes an experiment with a mathematician and a physicist. He puts a good-looking, naked woman in a bed in one corner of the room and the mathematician on a chair in another one, and tells him: 'I´ll half the distance between you and the woman every five minutes, and you´re not allowed to stand up.' the mathematician runs away, yelling: 'in that case, I´ll never get to this woman!'. After that, the psychologist takes the physicist and tells him the plan. The physicist starts grinning. the psychologist asks him: 'but you´ll never get to this woman?', the physicists tells him: 'sure, but for all practical things this is a good approximation.'

Why did the chicken cross the road?

• Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
• Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having.'

Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'

Heisenberg fährt mit dem Auto und wird von einem Verkehrspolizisten gestoppt. Der Polizist sagt: "Wissen Sie eigentlich, wie schnell Sie sind?!" Darauf Heisenberg: "Nein, aber ich weiß, wo ich bin."

There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.'